joshua 1:9

so this is pretty much what ive been running through my mind all day.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

well maybe not exactly the only thing in my head...but its there. and i keep putting it back. theres so much going on right now in my head...im not sure. thanks to God for his grace and provision. i dont feel like writing what im feeling or thinking for once...i just cant. maybe another time.

pushing aside

soo...haha yea i start out with "so..." alot. but its because im thinking...ANYWAY. Ive written before about hiding my feelings. feelings meaning when im upset about something. how its just really easy fo rme to just push them down inside and get them out of my way. i sure as heck dont like feeling upset, or...yea pretty much anything but happy. the fact that its easy to push things aside isnt a good thing. In james it talks about the tirals we go thourgh in life, and how they are there to strengthen our relationship with God. they are there to help us learn. so when i push stuff away and just put up a mask because i don tlike the feeling...am i also pushing away a chance to grow closer to God? or somehting that will help me learn? I already know i cant do anything with out God help, but why am i selfish still by trying to hide my problems. and i realize taht i might sound like depressed and what not...but im not. dont get me wrong, because i stinkin love my life. but i think sometimes i feel like i can direct it. i can make it all good, and i can make it as perfect as i want it to be. hah...yea well im wrong. God ALWAYS has something else in mind. Hallelujah. : )

thinking about life

its another late night...again. my sleep has been messed up since the third week of school. im lucky if i get to bed before 2 everynight. i hate sittin gat my computer, and i definatly cant work on school work this late, so most of the time i just lay up on my bed. thinking to myself. about who knows what. so ive been thinking about life. how i live everyday. i should be out to please God everyday and unfortuanatly im not always. I wish i could tell you that being a Christian was easy, because that would just be way more appealing to everyone. but its not. its tough. really tough. its constantly challenging. its frustrating. but you know what the awesome thing is? its hard to be a Christian because we need those tough circumstances in our lives to grow in our relationship with God. God can show us soo much. He can use us ini ways that we never thought were possible. God puts crap in our lives for a purpose. and even though its hard, we need to take the tough stuff and learn what we can, thank God for whats happening, and apply what we learned to our everyday.We need to live like theres no tomorrow, like Jesus could return at anytime. i know that i dont always live like that. Its hard. but the challenge is worth taking. if someone asked me right now how i honestly lived this week. I couldnt say that i lived for God everyday. Thats my goal. to live in the constant mindset that I could be going to heaven at anytime, becaus ei think i get so wrapped up in my circumstances that i get selfish and only think about how my day was for me. and not about how my day reflected upon God.

in awe.

God is good all the time.
All the time...God is good.

"You have been my refuge, a strong tower against my foe." Psalm 61:3

this week was a tough one. not because of school work[even though i wish that was the reason], but because of some other issues...blech. but God just keeps providing more learning expierences in my life, and even though it was such a rough week for me...the best thing i learned was just to always be thinking God for what he is doing in you life. Whether it be good or bad. it completely changed my negative view on alot of things. praising God in the midst of our little "storms" in life creates a challenge, because its extremely hard to do. but in the end its worth it.and i can vouch for that. God is...God. Hes the most powerful. and i am me. puny. little. with a torn heart...full of sin.
wow...why does God care about me? its simple. He loves me. and he wants my full attention. when im not giving it back to him...that may be the reason for some of the pot holes in my life. Just because he wants it. He wants to develop a closer relationship with me. heh...yea thats what i want too, but becasue of sin its easy to be distracted. i just need to stop with all my excuses...my relationship with God and how its going...relys on no one, but me.

i am always in awe of my AWESOME GOD.

reflections

i was planning on wirting some other stuff in here tonight. but a bunch of things have happened and have over turned my weekend. ash was supposed to come and now she cant anymore...and yea its just all kinda a big disappointment. so on top of it i have a tissue test in anatony tomorrow. blech. heh it was soo easy to be upset and angry about ashley not being able to come...but you know...i didnt have to take it to the extreme i did. ive had some other stuff built up inside of me since the beginning of school and ive just been pushing it all down out of my way so i didnt have to think about anything. i guess tonight kinda set it out again. im not afraid to admit that i was on the edge of crying tonight, there are conflict going on around me and it just breaks me to see that. i dont want things to be rough, confusing, complicated...etc etc etc. you get the point. sometimes i guess its just good to cry and let it out. but then again thats why i was pushing the old problems away caus eit was just making me upset in the first place. why am i having so much trouble? heh as i think about all of this, my so-called problems, it hit me. i was much much much less severe problems then alot of people have in their lives. and i cant even work through them. ive neglected God. and again i have fallen back into my sin. im here again. broken about things in my life. God sees everything thats going on, everything that im hiding. im slowly emptying out...and no one knows but me. I dont know why i try to hide things...it cant be done. i make some pretty big messes sometimes. but God still loves me. He doesnt care about all my problems, all He wants to do is be there for me, comfort me, help me...He wants my trust. no the half hearted trust that ive given Him, but my complete trust. Hes the only one that sees the real erin murphy. and when im about to let go, Hes the one who is still holding tightly to my hand. im just in awe of my Lord. just sitting here with tears of frustration[from my puny life]....i dont even know what else to say. He can do so much for me. why havent i taken full advantage of that?!? Lord I want to completely give everything to you, i dont want to try to do things by myself anymore. Help me to remember that you right there. You want to help. and your always listening. its hard because God isnt someone you can look at when your sharing your emotions...but it has to be gotten used to. God showed so much interest in me by sending His only son to die so i could go to heaven. He deserves nothing but all of my interest in return.

joshua 1:9 "Have i not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."