Failure is not defeat...unless you quit.

for a friend..

2010-02-02T00:40:00.003-05:00

recently a friend of mine was going through a really rough time. i dont know the details but as a friend i was asked to write a note of encouragement:

My dear friend,

First off, your not alone!! Whether or not the people around you know what your going through, or can even relate though what your going through, there will always be someone who will pray for/with you. No matter what God always knows what your going through (Heb. 4:13). Its NOT helpless. You deserve God's love (Psalm 25:3). It's easy to feel lost sometimes but just remember to look to His word for guidance, He is the one to look to when you need strength (Ps.27:1). Your family, friends, and church family all love you very much! There may be some times where you want to question God because you are confused, lost, distressed, overwhelmed...whatever you may be feeling, take a deep breath and just trust in God. He loves you so much, and knows whats going on. It may be hard to accept things that cannot be changed, but you get a fresh start every day! We all love you so much!

-Erin (Isaiah 41:10)

the reason im sharing this is because its not only a note to a friend, but also can be for myself. there are so many times when i need to just sit back and trust in God rather than be stressed, overwhelmed, or freaking out because i dont know what to do next. my grandmom has this quote on her wall at home, and its something that now constantly runs though my mind:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things that I can change,
and wisdom to know the difference."

...

2009-12-07T01:48:00.002-05:00

time to get my priorities straight and stop being distracted...time to make an effort. God help me want to be closer to you. this constant battle has become extremely heavy on my heart.

I have got no one to blame
Except if that someone's me
I washed my hands, but just the same
My eyes confess for me
I come in filthy rags
You know I'm guilty

I wake up almost every night
Saying Your name
What I would give to walk in the light
But what I hide has made me lame
My face down on the ground
I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You've answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You'll have to show me where to go
It's been so long since I've used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I'm dancing
So let the power of Your move
Not stop with what I can see

I couldn't walk
I couldn't sing
I couldn't love until You found me

being content.

2009-03-20T00:59:00.002-04:00

im working on it.
im having a hard time right now though.
im stressed...and i dont normally get too stressed.
theres alot going on.

BUT heres the deal. its the whole "the more you seek God, the more youll find him".
God puts us through trials, big or small, so that we will grow more in him. So that we can learn from them. About ourselves, but also more about God.

its ironically a really cool thing.

Colossians 3:14-17 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

sleepless...

2009-03-14T01:06:00.003-04:00

its just one of those nights...

i have alot on my mind. more than usual.

i cant sleep...so im here.

i cant come to terms with whats happening with my family right now. my grandpa, whom ive written about before, is just slowly slipping away. yesterday my cousin was in a really bad car accident in which his head went through the windshield. after more than 3 hours of surgery they still arent going to know whether or not he will be losing one of his eyes because there is still glass in it, and both of his eyes are swollen shut, not to mention the continual draining of his back to prevent meningitis, a bruised brain and other complications that he has right now as well. i could list everything...but thats not the point.

i really admire my aunt. she has taken on taking care of my grandpa. she has alot going on in her own personal life that it completely putting huge strain on her everyday. and now her son is in the trauma unit, sedated, with alot of unanswered questions about his recovery. my aunt is a strong woman. she looks to God in the middle of this crazy storm. she keeps moving when its really easy to just break down.

besides the things that are happening in my family i also have my own things happening. changes in my own life...and some personal things that iv been thinking about.

wheres God? He's right here.even when i dont feel like he is.even when im ready to give up, im reminded that hes not giving up on me. my brain is full like an overpacked suitcase. im having trouble gathering my thoughts, ,and you know what...iv been pushing the things that are affecting me aside.

i need to learn to deal with things. and NOT by myself. i have a relationship with God, and i need God to deal with the things in my life. hes the one who has plans for me. he knows why things happen to me. its as simple as trusting in him. so am i having trouble trusting? heh...yea...sometimes i do. because i dont understand.

i need to get over that.

i need to work on some things...but im ready to. and i DO trust that God has it all under control, and that everything i go through, or my family goes through, or a friend goes through...whoever it is, God cares.

psalm 17:7-8
...Lord God, show the wonder of Your great love, You who save by Your right hand those who take refuge in You from their foes. Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings.

Spiritually Mature Christian

2008-08-28T00:58:00.002-04:00

These could be looked at as five indicators of a spiritually mature Christian.

Meekness. As a christian we should know our position. In our conversations, in our beliefs etc.

Gentleness. We need to be approachable.No one will want to talk to us, or be curious about what we believe in if we are very defensive to the point where we give others no room to breathe. We need to be someone that is easy to talk to, someone that will listen to others and not be too quick to speak.

Patience. This is one that i struggle with a lot in my walk with the Lord. I need to constantly remind myself to just have faith...to just really truely believe that everything is in God's hands; He is in control. Patience can be a peace that will control your attitude. Also our attitude and caracter should not be controlled by our circumstances.

Humility. I think about myself a lot(like how things will effect me, or how I and going to handle things-meaning Itry to do things without Gods help sometimes)...not purposely, but it just seems to happen. and when i actually do something right, or i achieve something, or am rewarded for something...i need to be careful in my reaction...am i being too prideful?

Discernment. need to make good judgements or decisions about what we do, say, etc. EVERYDAY ALL THE TIME. Im guilty of making decisions, or saying things without giving them much thought.

This is taken from a message that i heard a while ago...but ive really thought about things that i could maybe focus on, things that are weak areas in my maturity as a christian. Should also be thinking about how i can become a more spiritually mature...how I can be more Christ-like. I cant wait for things to just happen to me though...i have to staop waiting around and get going.

Prayer: My grandpa is still in the ICU...he just hasnt been improving. Pray for his health and more importantly his salvation. and also school is going to be alot of work with a full load of credits and being a prayer leader, its going to be a lot of responsibility. Pray that im a good influence to the girls in my prayer group, and that they would be open with me, also that i will balance my time in a good way.

quick thought

2008-08-03T04:33:00.003-04:00

Another night at work for me, its almost 5am and I kinda bored so i figured i would post something short.

Ive really been thinking lately how selfish i can be. I know im not an entirely obviously selfish person, but i mean with the little things in life like putting others first, with the time i have to myself everyday and how i use it, in how i act at work or towards work...etc. something i definitely need to work on and would encourage others to work on too. i know one of my biggest struggles is whether or not im really spending enough time just with God each day. and there are definitely times where i dont think about others first. im sitting here laughing right now because it can easily be something like a little road rage i might get in traffic. anyway, its just a thought.

and...heres to the start of a new week! two weeks till im back in the burg, how stinkin exciting!!!

Prayer request: my grandpa, whom i posted about in an earlier post, is in the hospital again. Please pray for him in his health and his salvation.

testimony

2008-07-30T03:28:00.002-04:00

this is kinda out of inspiration of a friends blog, in which she included her testimony. i realized ive never written it out, so here it is:

I was blessed to grow up in a christian home, although i took advantage of it. at four years old, in a childrens program during the night service at church we were given the oppurtunity to talk to a leader about salvation. i didnt have a full understanding of what it meant, but i knew if i didnt not ask God for forgiveness that i wouldn't be going to heaven. i have a distinct memory of going through the "salvation prayer" with the class leader, and excitedly telling my parents that i was saved when they came to pick me up. I never gave much attention to church as more than just going because my family always went, or because i had to.

In third grade i learned about baptism and what it meant and it sparked an interest. i did realize that it was something that i wanted to, and that it was important to become a member of the church. so, in third grade i went through membership classes, and was baptized on easter sunday.

in the continuing years i lost interest in church. i never felt like going, and i got into some of the wrong things. I didnt like my parents because i thought they were over the line strict, and as i look back now, i really was mostly miserable unless i go my way or was with my friends away from my family.

in 9th grade i transferred to baptist high school...little did i know that it would make a difference in the next four years of my life. during freshman year, my outlook on church, etc. did not change much. The summer after 9th grade i went to TLC (teen leadership conference) at baptist bile college, and really got smacked in the face. It really hit me that i had not been living the way i should be. even though i was a christian, in a christian family, and in a christian school, i wasnt acting like it. It says in the bible that youll know a chritian by their fruits..meaning how they act. well no one probably would have guessed that i was any different. as i was ilstening to the different speakers that week at TLC, i really took into consideration that i needed to make some changes. I decided to start acting different, to make an attitude change, and really live for Christ. I made the commitment to try and turn things around.

It didnt happen all at once..thats for sure. sophmore year i took more advantage of the fact that we prayed in class, and even had devotions in some, before class even started. I realized that i had more interest in learning about what exactly i believed in. over the next three years i really took in as much as i could, whether it be from missions trips i went on, conferences i went to, or even in class at school.

I look back now and really see how much i changed things, but then i see how much i am still learning, about my personal reltaionship with God and how incredibly important that is in my life, and how i need to be open to whatever God has planned for me. I still stumble and struggle everyday, but its a learning expierence! I feel like im always learning more, and having more of a desire to strengthen my relaitonship with God. Its definitely worth it! I have a desire to honor God and really completely live my life for Him. and it can be frustrating at times when things get confusing and i dont have answers for things, but really...its all in Gods hands!

this is really not the most detailed testimony, but its a good overview. so i just need to say one more thing, ill NEVER loose my love for learning more...

2008-07-12T02:07:00.002-04:00

heh well its late, annnd i dont have much to say at the moment. but heres something ive been thinking about...

i stumble everyday as a christian. i learn through making right and wrong choices. i find it alot easier to just put myself down when i make a mistake but when i do make a mistake its up to me what im going to do with it. im the one who has to change things in my own life, not the people around me, or shoudl i say the world around me. learning through mistakes has been challengig..but heres the awesome thing; God never puts anything in fornt of me that i cant handle. when i say "i cant handle" its important to remember that its not and should not just be me handling things. thats part of being able to have a relationship with God. God should be involved in every thing i do everyday...and unfortuately that concept can be forgotten by me on a more regular basis then it probably should be. God sent him who had NO sin...to be sin for us...so we could have a relationship with him! its a huge deal!! Im part of God's family, and totally completely in his hands, for him to lead me where ever he wants me to go. i really need to work on my relationship with him, theres nothing im more interested in right now than learning. i want to learn how i can be closer to him...and to share that bond with other believers...its such a cool thing to me that i have God in common with others : )

take this heart of mine, theres no doubt: Im in better hands now.

a goal

2008-04-03T00:26:00.002-04:00

prayer...is really not a complicated thing. Its a awesome thing...to just be able to talk to God, thank him for things, bring your requests before him, etc. But heres what im noticing more so now, than in the past. Its so easy to just talk to God about me...and whats going on in my life. Sure i prayed for others, but i think that i unconsciously quickly move to whats going on with myself. Heh, that sounds so horrible, and selfish when i read through what i just wrote. So heres my goal: Im going to write down all of the prayer requests/praises Ive gotten from other people, or that Ive heard, and while i pray ill read through them, spending more time on them. once ive gone trough those things, then I can talk to God about whats going on with me. so heres to being a little less selfish in my prayers. I can talk to God when ever I want to...and thats something I need to take a little more advantage of.

hide and seek.

2008-03-02T05:13:00.003-05:00

while babysitting i play hide and seek with the kids a lot. Last saturday i babysat all day from 730am till about 830pm. It was a yucky day out so we couldnt go outside to play, i was sick of just sitting there watching tv with them, so after lunch i packed anna and james up and we headed to Target. It was a risk to just take them to Target, but i needed to get out of that house. After we went to Target and released some pent up energy by walking around and looking at toys(haha) we headed back home. Then i dared to suggest that we play hide and seek. anna and james were a team, and i myself was a team of course. It was about 4pm so i was already more than halfway though my long day, and starting to get a little worn out. i started looking for harder hiding spots that would take the little munchkins longer to find me.

i do have a point for writing this. actually playing hide and seek, and trying to find really good place to hide reminds me of how i am with God sometimes. even though we could never hide form God, i think that sometimes i think i can. like if i do something, and then think "agh, i shouldnt have done that" i just push it away like it never happened. or when im not in the word, or even talking to him as much as i really should be...am i just searching for a good hiding place, where i can be to myself? God wants all of me, as he does for anyone, i just need to let him have me. i guess i could say i need to be found...

reaching the goal

2008-02-26T22:43:00.002-05:00

This is just taken from what i learned from a message i heard the other night. TAken from Philippians 3:13-16:

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

Okay, so Philippians was one of the letters that Paul wrote. He was encouraging the people of Philipi(sp?) to come together; form unity amongst themselves. now, what is meant by these four verses? As Christians we are called to keep up the pace; not stop till our goal is reached. But what is or should be our goal? to be more like Christ. Paul is encouraging the people to leave their accomplishments, our spiritual accomplishments, behind. To move forward, to keep "pressing toward the goal". In verse 15 he says "all of us who are mature". Paul is referring to those who are consistant with their walk with Christ or those who are continually striving.

When i was hearing all of this i started thinking. i need to get to that point. the point where i am consistantly striving to be more like Christ. what can i do...where do i start...

All of this is not only important to me on a personal level but also as im interacting with my church or other Christians. The unity that a church needs to have comes from the work of the Spirit in our hearts and lives. In verse 16 Paul encourages to keep moving on together. "live up to what we have already attained", walk together on the road that we have already made progress on, keep going, stay steady in formation.

God wil reveal his truth to his own. The source of his truth is through Christ. so to understand the truth is to come to know Christ more. how...how can we come to know Christ more...Christ is revealed through the Spirit. the Spirit guides us into the truth knowing and know Christ better. Its clear how important a realtionship with God is. I need to be in the word, and communicating with God through the way he worked it out for us; the Spirit. i need to be humbled, to be broken by God.

"break me, take me, and make me new...Broken, surrendered, before You"

: )

2008-02-04T00:22:00.000-05:00

Praise God for a good day! some improvement today but there are still more tests that my grandpa needs to have done, thanks for everyones prayers! There is even some talk of my grandpa being able to go home if everything keeps improving! : )

about my grandpa...

2008-02-03T05:59:00.000-05:00

Thursday morning my grandpa was taken to the ER, where he was diagnosed with CHF(congestive heart failure), anemia, and was told that he had a heart attack. This is just the beinging of more diagnosos'. Heres a relay of a informational email that my aunt marsha(my moms sister, which is why she refers to him as 'dad') sent to friends and family, and also a better way for me to explain what is going on, rather than me repeating by word of mouth and not getting the facts straight:

"This is what the Dr. said happened to dad after they finished with his heart stint (about 10 minutes into the heart catheterization surgery). The Dr. was ready to move on to the kidney, so he could put the stint in the kidney artery when this happened, and he said he would have loved to fix the kidney at the same time, but it was obviously more important to save his life, so he had to stop what they were doing. Dad had pulmonary edema which lead to respiratory distress/failure. His heart is pumping at 2/3s the strength it should, aprox. 40%. (normal 60-65%)
The heart stint took care of the vein that was about 80% closed. It is what caused the heart attack that showed up on the blood tests. The heart is healthy for dad’s age and has good veins otherwise, but the stress on his body of the anemia, fluid, and other problems were too much for that vein blockage.
The Dr’s surgery representative told Mom, Janet, Robin and I, that dad has pneumonia, and had they know this they would not have done the surgery. However; the Lung specialist and his cardiologist didn’t mention this fact, or even mention pneumonia.
She said his potassium levels dropped a huge amount, and it might have been a false spike due to something in his blood, or a drastic drop. A large loss of potassium can cause heart failure, and dad said his kidney area hurt when this all started and he had muscle aches…..so who knows if that was the start if the symptoms of the heart failure, and physical reactions from the anemia. Dad takes about an hour to go to the bathroom. He also has a very swollen prostate…another thing that must be looked at the Dr. said. He said there is a lot going on in him, and all interacts with other problems and recovery. He said several times to mom and I that dad has many things going on, and is a very sick man.
The Lung specialist said that there is scarring on his lung. The cardiologist also said what dad breathed in while working (for years he sanded floors with his father--and they didnt wear masks back then) had damaged his lungs…..I got the feeling, more so that, than smoking.
The Cardiologist said he needs to get the stint in the artery of the kidney or he will eventually have renal failure. He thinks the correction of the blocked flow of blood to the kidney will help drop his high blood pressure and excess fluid levels, but the high blood pressure and fluid levels can also keep them from doing anything to his kidney. They also have to wait until the dye has left his system from the heart cath. A person can only handle so much dye, and for so long, or it will damage the kidneys. More dye will be used to repair the kidney artery, so it would have been ideal if they could have taken care of the kidney during the heart cath.
He said the anemia is very serious, and would be a huge problem for even a young man, but dad is older and has multiple things going on. The anemia could be from the polyps as we all suggested, or from something else.
The Card. Dr. said other things are showing up in his blood tests that aren’t good, such as raised levels of protein in his liver and other raised levels from his liver, and that there may be something else seen in blood tests, that is causing the anemia and they are looking into that. (I still can’t remember that name, but it makes no difference since they are speculating right now, and we need to know when they have facts)
He is on this critical care ward until he goes home. He coughed up blood tinged fluid during the heart cath, and this episode of pulmonary edema is why he was brought there…..video monitored care, greater nurse ratio to patients."

Alright, so hopefully that explains the most of it. Friday night wasnt good, he almost died. Saturday afternoon they said he was looking beter than the night before. My granpa isnt saved. Actually no one on my moms side fo the family is saved, except one of her sisters: my aunt janet. Please pray for my family, pray for my mom as it has been a really rough few days, because they are all in Ohio, and she cant be by her dad's side, or with her family right now. PRAY for my aunt janet. Pray that as doors are opened to talk about God that she would have the right words to say. PRAY for my grandpa's salvation.

Thanks for taking your time to read this. Youll never know how much your prayers are appreciated.

2008-01-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

talk about being lost, in my life, forgetting about God, relying on him, trusting him. why have i let myself come to this again? i think back to when i had a bigger fire in my heart for Christ, and see how happy i was. Now im back to square one. Its time for me to start over again...

2007-11-12T00:49:00.000-05:00

2 Corinthians 5:14 says that Christ's love has moved us to such extremes, His love has the first and last word in everything we do, our firm decision is to work from this focus center: that one man died for everyone. That puts everyone on the same boat. He included everyone in His death so that everyone could also be included in His life: a resurrection life. A far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision, we don't evaluate people by what they have, or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know, and we certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone, a new life burgeons. All this comes from God who settled the relationship between us and Him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering the forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone of what He is doing: we're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and to enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now, become friends with God: Hes already a friend of you. How, you ask? In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.

from tonights devos...

2007-04-22T23:32:00.000-04:00

[2Corinthians 12:9]

"But He said to me 'My grace is sufficinet for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me"

what my bible comments:
--Although God did not remove Paul's physical affliction, He promised to demonstrate his power in Paul. The fact that God's power is displayed in weak people should give us courage. Though we recognize our limitations, we will not congratulate ourselves and rest at that. Instead, we will turn to God to seek pathways for effectiveness. We must rely on God for our effectiveness rather than simply on our own energy, effort, or talent. Our weakness not only helps develop Christian character; it also deepens our worship, because in admitting our weakness, we affirm God's strength."

just thought that was worth sharing...I thought it was pretty neat.

God is awesome.

for me.

2007-04-04T22:47:00.000-04:00

Tonight campus church, titled "for you", was a communion service. a communion service held for a couple thousand people. There was a huge cross set up on the middle of the floor in the vines center. when walking in i received a sheet of paper with a cross on it and a blank box at the top of the cross. my name was put in that box, with the word "sinner" written underneath. as each row of people filed down to the cross to get their cracker and juice, Isaiah 53 was up on the screen. I sat there and read this passage:

Who has believed what they heard from us?
And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For he grew up before him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
and no beauty that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned every one to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for sin,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.
Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors.

After my eyes moved across every word i sat in silence. in disappointment with myself.Jesus had it set for Himself in Heaven, but when He was asked by His father to go to earth, to live in a world full of sin, he agreed to go. Thats love. He died, on a cross, bore every single one of each of our sins. i can't even imagine. not just a few, but everyone. I am a sinner. i think of how much i sin, and how sometimes i realized that i have, and then do nothing about it. who am i to ever just sit back and relax, because i know that im going to heaven? this is where im disappointed in myself. I do have a conscience, i have the holy spirit in me, i know what is right and wrong...but sometimes the wrong things seem easier. dumb excuse. there is no excuse. yes i know i am human, but when it comes down to whether or not i try not to sin, i "slip up" one too many times. so my purpose for sharing is...

i sat there tonight and got completely upset with myself. i have this What am i doing to further my relationship with God? not much. yea, the Bible is opened in my hands, and i try to read everyday. but i have not pushed myself enough to make it a habit so that i cannot go to sleep at night without spending time with God. thats what i want. i want to be as close as i can with the one who bore ALL of my sins, so i could spend eternity in heaven. I have to learn to trust in God more, sometimes theres this faze where im always trusting in God and then i get overwhelmed with the things that are going on in my life, and i find myself trying to work everything out, taking on every problem and only building more stress. I know i have this joy that can very well emanate from inside me because i do have a great relationship with the God of the universe, and i need to show it more. i do have a thing for fearing the future. i find it easy to think about the future and the problems it holds, and i get scared. God isn't the "I will be", Hes the "I AM" He is here in the present, to help and to assure me that it is not hard to just live in the moment. I could go one for a while on things that i want to improve on in my life. but im not going to. Its just that...tonight i know God was grabbing my attention. I saw and read a reminder of just how much He has done for me. Now the question i have for myself is, what am i going to do for him?

2007-03-24T00:17:00.000-04:00

its been a long time.

This morning i got a call from my dad. My grandmom, whom we call "meme", wasn't breathing good and was on oxygen, but they hadn't moved her from the nursing home to the hospital because she had been slowly slipping away over the last few weeks. Later today i received a voicemail from my dad, telling me that she had passed away. Honestly i didn't have the biggest reaction, i felt sad, and really worried about my family and how they were taking the news. I didn't know what to say to my dad, and i had a million things running through my head. Over the last few years she had been slowly slipping away from us through her memory loss, and it was hard to go see her because she didn't even really know who we were anymore. this is the first time i have experienced a death in my family. I know she is in heaven, a much better place, and all I can do is praise God for that. I know that it probably was her time to go, and now she is completely healthy, not suffering at all. I know that she hasn't been around the last couple years because she was in a nursing home, so she hadn't been able to come to any family parties or get-togethers. But i knew that she was still here. Now she isn't. Thats a little hard to take in for me. I remember this one time when my whole family was over my house for a birthday party, and me, my sister and my cousin were doing gymnastic stuff in the living room and just goofing off, and she thought it was hilarious. I cant think of a time where i remember seeing her laugh so hard. Thats my favorite memory. Just the happiness i remember seeing in her face when she watched us roll over on our heads and fall all over the floor. My biggest concern now is just for my family at home, and just to keep praying for them as they go through the funeral. It is hard when certain things are thrown your way in life, and even harder if your not sure how to handle them. God is the strong tower in my life, whenever i need someone to talk to when i feel like no one else will understand, Hes there. I can't imagine going through some of the stuff(even the really little things) without God by my side. I realize even more through trials how important God really is in my life, and how much He desires my attention. I've taken the news pretty good all day until now...I just kinda broke down, worried about my family, and also for the loss of meme. I guess its because i have just been sitting here thinking about things...which usually hits me the hardest. I know im the type of person who needs to keep busy when i don't want to get upset about something...and ive been busy all day, but then again that just makes me ignore it. which probably isn't the best thing because it just builds things up. BUT like i said, when i face things, i know God is there to help me. thats one thing i know for sure, He will never let me down.

"For I am the Lord, your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13

wish

2007-01-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

this is a music video made with scenes from Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ". Lyrics are below...

"Wish"-Brian Littrell

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
To see Your first step, hear Your very first word
Tell me, did You ever fall and scrape Your knee?
Did You know Your wounds would one day heal the world?

For just one moment
I wish I could have seen You growing
Learning the ways of a carpenter's son
Just a little boy gazing at the stars
Did You remember creating every one?

If You passed by, would I have seen a child or a King?
Would I have known?

I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
When You left Your footprints upon the waves
To walk along beside You and never look away
Just Your whisper and the wind and sea obey

To see You feed the people
To feel Your healing in Your touch

To hear You pray in the garden alone
Laying down Your will with each tear
To see You walk that lonely road
Willing to die for me
And in that moment
I know I should have been there
You took my cross and gave Your life

And You live again!
Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You rise again
Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, Jesus, face to face
Someday I'll be there, I'm gonna be there
I'll see Your face, Your mercy, Your grace
Someday, someday
I'm gonna see You, Jesus
Face to face

2007-01-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

I just started reading "Stop dating the Church" by Joshua Harris and last night when I was reading I came across this paragraph:

"The church community is where we learn to love God and others; where we are strengthened and transformed by the truth from the word; where we are taught to pray, to worship, and to serve; where we can be most certain that we are investigating our time and abilities for eternity; where we can grow in our roles as friends, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. The church is the earths single best place--God's especially designed place-- to start over, to grow and to change for the glory of God. "

Now, I'm not to far into the book, I'm more of still in the beginning, but this paragraph has hooked me in. Since I'm away at college I don't have the opportunity of really going to and church that I am literally a member of, and i remain a member at my church here at home. Okay...nothing wrong with that. But I haven't taken the chance to look for a church that I can be involved in while I am at school. This book is going to be stressing the idea of not just being a member of the church but actually being involved; putting my time, and my effort into it (in other words not just showing up on Sundays and leaving it at that). When i read this paragraph i began to think about even before I went away...and how I wasn't as involved with my home church as I could have been. Harris points out in the book that today the church struggles with membership and commitment from its members because of things within the church that may scare us away like lack or moral integrity, arrogance, and greed. But how will those things change if no one takes the brave step of committing in the first place. I can tell this is going to be a good book. I'm also looking forward to going back to school and trying to find a church that I might be able to become involved in while I am there. Like Harris said, the church is a God designed place to not only grow, but also to change for the Glory of God. I don't see why it wouldn't be worth investing my time in it. Ill probably be writing some more later on this...

2007-01-10T17:03:00.000-05:00

"And it may be miles and miles, before the journeys clear. There may be rivers, even oceans of tears. And the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding is the hand that will be holding you for miles. And one moment someone might whisper thank you, and just then another heart might cry 'how could you?" When Jesus, who sees us, says 'I'm with you, and I'm near you...' "
-Nichole Nordeman, Miles.

We go through a lot in life. I never know why certain things happen, whether they bring me tears of joy, or tears of sorrow. I love the chorus of this song because it talk about how when we don't understand what is going on at the present, we also don't know how long it might be until we understand why things happen. God know we don't understand and He does have a reason for it. Sometimes he might just be keeping us from understanding in order to open our eyes to something else, get our attention, or to help us learn that we need to have faith in His plan and just have comfort in the fact that he knows EVERYTHING. This all reminds me of a situation at my church where one of our youth leaders who is loved and deeply respected by everyone had stepped up to become youth pastor. It just so happened that when our church voted on it, the vote wasn't in his favor. I really admire and respect to the attitude that he and his wife showed when what they thought was what God wanted for then, didn't happen. I can't even how confusing it might have been. It was so easy to be mad about what happened and be bitter about how the vote turned out. They have been such a blessing to our church and it is really hard to see them leaving. But when i had been praying about the situation, I really starting thinking about how my attitude toward the whole thing is wrong. There might be a church somewhere that needs the service of them much more than our church does. and if I'm going to be a little bitter about what happened...then I'm being bitter toward God. I'm so thankful for the blessing and influence that they have been to us this far. I'm going to do my best to support them in whatever God put in their path. Faith in God is important, and I hope just that will be an encouragement to them. I'm excited to see what God has planned!

Peter's Reminder

2007-01-07T23:01:00.000-05:00

I Peter 1: 24-25 "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."

ok so whats pretty cool here is that Peter is quoting Isaiah.but anyway Its just a reminder that everything here on earth...my job, my clothes, the car i may have...everything is exactly what they are called; earthly possessions. none of it will be taken to heaven with us. It can be so easy to get caught up in what we have, and sometimes not even realize it. Grasping on temporary things is a waste, we should rather be focusing our time, energy, and even the money we earn on God. Everything we have is His in the first place, and He can take it away from us at anytime. i know that i would probably need an little but of adjusting if my things got taken away. I'm going to work on being a little more grateful than i have been in the past few months. Gratitude is just a part of our testimony and how we reflect on God, but its just as important as every other part.

ps. I had to get a loan but im all paid for and ready to start my next semester at Liberty! something ive been praying about and God worked it out for me : ) an answer to prayer.

smack.

2006-11-21T00:29:00.000-05:00

so i dont really feel like talking about it because it makes me kinda upset. but as of right now im not going back to liberty next year. my family cant afford it. so i think im just going to work for a while. then hopefully i can go back. im not even so sure if im going to do the whole community college thing...well see. but yea. im really going to miss liberty, and im not even sure right now how im going to be paying for next semester...oh man...all i can do is keep praying about it and looking for oppurtunity. i write more later about everything. i cant write anymroe right now...

2006-11-20T01:19:00.000-05:00

its true...in Him all things are possible!!!!!!

whoa. its gonna be an interesting week...

ill be back later. : ) hah

helpful tears

2006-11-03T00:15:00.000-05:00

I guess i would be the first to admit that it does feel good to cry about things. to let things out. I mean Ive come to realize the power of just open conversation with God. Not that i havent done it in the past, becasue believe me its become a huge part of my life. but actually finding a spot for myself and talking out loud to Him. Its more of a real conversation for me. I havent had the best week. I try way to hard to handle things on my own, and i come to complete frustration because I realize that im trying to do things on my own and then change things for a while and let God have control anad focus more on Him....but then i do it again. I try to take my problems into my own hands...and that would be why i just end up crying before God.and while the tears fall down my face, and i sit in awe of my Lord and his power, i ask for happiness. its alot to ask...and its what i want. and i cant achieve it on my own. Gods catching my attention for some reason and im will to work with my trials to grow in Him. Sometimes Im just so dumb. I have these days where i just think about everything thats happened in the last month or so, and it kills me. I drove back to school the other day...a six hour drive, by myself. all i ended up doing was thinking about stuff that ive been trying to move on from. its like im cursed with this never ending cycle or something. Well i had my share of crying tonight. If God werent so merciful, and forgiving...i dont know where the heck i would be. most likely very depressed. But im not. and thats only because I have a God who does care for me, and wants to help me. I do end up trying handle my problems on my own sometimes but no matter how hard I try...it wont work.
thats why God is there, cause im not supposed to do it on my own. its been rough. and some days are worse than others. but with Him, all things are possible.

joshua 1:9

2006-10-26T01:59:00.000-04:00

so this is pretty much what ive been running through my mind all day.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

well maybe not exactly the only thing in my head...but its there. and i keep putting it back. theres so much going on right now in my head...im not sure. thanks to God for his grace and provision. i dont feel like writing what im feeling or thinking for once...i just cant. maybe another time.

pushing aside

2006-10-17T01:47:00.000-04:00

soo...haha yea i start out with "so..." alot. but its because im thinking...ANYWAY. Ive written before about hiding my feelings. feelings meaning when im upset about something. how its just really easy fo rme to just push them down inside and get them out of my way. i sure as heck dont like feeling upset, or...yea pretty much anything but happy. the fact that its easy to push things aside isnt a good thing. In james it talks about the tirals we go thourgh in life, and how they are there to strengthen our relationship with God. they are there to help us learn. so when i push stuff away and just put up a mask because i don tlike the feeling...am i also pushing away a chance to grow closer to God? or somehting that will help me learn? I already know i cant do anything with out God help, but why am i selfish still by trying to hide my problems. and i realize taht i might sound like depressed and what not...but im not. dont get me wrong, because i stinkin love my life. but i think sometimes i feel like i can direct it. i can make it all good, and i can make it as perfect as i want it to be. hah...yea well im wrong. God ALWAYS has something else in mind. Hallelujah. : )

thinking about life

2006-10-16T02:53:00.000-04:00

its another late night...again. my sleep has been messed up since the third week of school. im lucky if i get to bed before 2 everynight. i hate sittin gat my computer, and i definatly cant work on school work this late, so most of the time i just lay up on my bed. thinking to myself. about who knows what. so ive been thinking about life. how i live everyday. i should be out to please God everyday and unfortuanatly im not always. I wish i could tell you that being a Christian was easy, because that would just be way more appealing to everyone. but its not. its tough. really tough. its constantly challenging. its frustrating. but you know what the awesome thing is? its hard to be a Christian because we need those tough circumstances in our lives to grow in our relationship with God. God can show us soo much. He can use us ini ways that we never thought were possible. God puts crap in our lives for a purpose. and even though its hard, we need to take the tough stuff and learn what we can, thank God for whats happening, and apply what we learned to our everyday.We need to live like theres no tomorrow, like Jesus could return at anytime. i know that i dont always live like that. Its hard. but the challenge is worth taking. if someone asked me right now how i honestly lived this week. I couldnt say that i lived for God everyday. Thats my goal. to live in the constant mindset that I could be going to heaven at anytime, becaus ei think i get so wrapped up in my circumstances that i get selfish and only think about how my day was for me. and not about how my day reflected upon God.

in awe.

2006-10-07T01:45:00.000-04:00

God is good all the time.
All the time...God is good.

"You have been my refuge, a strong tower against my foe." Psalm 61:3

this week was a tough one. not because of school work[even though i wish that was the reason], but because of some other issues...blech. but God just keeps providing more learning expierences in my life, and even though it was such a rough week for me...the best thing i learned was just to always be thinking God for what he is doing in you life. Whether it be good or bad. it completely changed my negative view on alot of things. praising God in the midst of our little "storms" in life creates a challenge, because its extremely hard to do. but in the end its worth it.and i can vouch for that. God is...God. Hes the most powerful. and i am me. puny. little. with a torn heart...full of sin.
wow...why does God care about me? its simple. He loves me. and he wants my full attention. when im not giving it back to him...that may be the reason for some of the pot holes in my life. Just because he wants it. He wants to develop a closer relationship with me. heh...yea thats what i want too, but becasue of sin its easy to be distracted. i just need to stop with all my excuses...my relationship with God and how its going...relys on no one, but me.

i am always in awe of my AWESOME GOD.

reflections

2006-10-05T20:40:00.000-04:00

i was planning on wirting some other stuff in here tonight. but a bunch of things have happened and have over turned my weekend. ash was supposed to come and now she cant anymore...and yea its just all kinda a big disappointment. so on top of it i have a tissue test in anatony tomorrow. blech. heh it was soo easy to be upset and angry about ashley not being able to come...but you know...i didnt have to take it to the extreme i did. ive had some other stuff built up inside of me since the beginning of school and ive just been pushing it all down out of my way so i didnt have to think about anything. i guess tonight kinda set it out again. im not afraid to admit that i was on the edge of crying tonight, there are conflict going on around me and it just breaks me to see that. i dont want things to be rough, confusing, complicated...etc etc etc. you get the point. sometimes i guess its just good to cry and let it out. but then again thats why i was pushing the old problems away caus eit was just making me upset in the first place. why am i having so much trouble? heh as i think about all of this, my so-called problems, it hit me. i was much much much less severe problems then alot of people have in their lives. and i cant even work through them. ive neglected God. and again i have fallen back into my sin. im here again. broken about things in my life. God sees everything thats going on, everything that im hiding. im slowly emptying out...and no one knows but me. I dont know why i try to hide things...it cant be done. i make some pretty big messes sometimes. but God still loves me. He doesnt care about all my problems, all He wants to do is be there for me, comfort me, help me...He wants my trust. no the half hearted trust that ive given Him, but my complete trust. Hes the only one that sees the real erin murphy. and when im about to let go, Hes the one who is still holding tightly to my hand. im just in awe of my Lord. just sitting here with tears of frustration[from my puny life]....i dont even know what else to say. He can do so much for me. why havent i taken full advantage of that?!? Lord I want to completely give everything to you, i dont want to try to do things by myself anymore. Help me to remember that you right there. You want to help. and your always listening. its hard because God isnt someone you can look at when your sharing your emotions...but it has to be gotten used to. God showed so much interest in me by sending His only son to die so i could go to heaven. He deserves nothing but all of my interest in return.

joshua 1:9 "Have i not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

lessons

2006-09-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

so its really awesome how God just teaches you a lesson.

ive been learning sooo much recently. I keep asking God to teach me more, and point things out to me...im really longing to be stopped in my tracks sometimes and slapped in the face if i need to be. in the end, I realize what ive done wrong, etc. and it helps...shows me if i was stupid or just plain out sinning. its tough sometimes but its definatly worth it. I really get hit hard sometimes, and i just collapse, but God is always there to keep me going. its awesome. thats it.

"Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression?"-Micah 7:18

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always"- Psalm 105:4

"You have been my refuge, a strong tower against my foe."- Psalm 61:3

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong." -1 Cor. 16:13

humility

2006-09-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

humility.

this week in prayer groups we made bracelets for each charateristic in colossians 3:12. each week each of the six of us will have one of the bracelets on, that are each distinctly colored for the characteristic that they represent. Well I have the blue one, which happens to be humility. I was thinking about it tonight when i was reading so i looked it up (one of the awesome advantages of having an application bible). well one verse that really stuck out to me was Romans 12:3 which says:

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."

ok so stepping back for a minute...this is Paul speaking in this chapter and basically giving guidelines for living as a redeemed Christian in the world around us. ok so back to humility. basically having a good self-esteem isnt bad. sometimes its easy to get caught up with thinking to little of myself...but i have to be careful not to think to highly of myself as well. without God...theres a while lot that i couldnt do. even something stupid like scoring a goal in soccer...yea i can be proud of my self...but if i over do it...heh yea God could easily say.."your not scoring another one the whole season...cause you made it all about yourself."...yea, ouch. BUT heres the catch with God, we can do sooo much. He is the ultimate relationship i can have. He provides everything for me!!! soo when i really think about it, why do i get caught up in measuring myself to how good i can be, or how much i can gain for myself in life for the world and for my pride. its pointless...and not very humble. really... im nothing without God. Hes the only reason i get up everyday...and to think that i can think of myself as more worthy as someone else...its a little rediculous. ill say it again...Im nothing without God, not an athlete, not musical, not healthy, not even living. wow...so i need to work on being more humble.

the weekend:

2006-09-11T00:26:00.000-04:00

so...it was a good weekend. got home on friday night...slept, went to katies soccer game on saturday...that was fun! then satuday night i went out to dinner with my little brother because it was his birthday, and then afterwards i had ash, josh, phil, kier, sam, alex, brie, and my sister all over and we just hung out and made smores in my backyard...it was goodtimes! hah it made my day so much better! Iris slept over that night and of course we both shared my bed. lol...me, iris, and my big teddy bear(which she ended up throwing on the ground). I really love the fact that i got some home cooked meals! oh man they tasted soo good!!!

i was reading Proverbs 10 tonight...in the first couple verses it talks about how we use our time. my life app. Bible talks about how "everyone has 24 hours filled with oppurtunities to grow serve and be productive. But its soo easy to waste time, letting life slip from our grasp. We need to refuse to be a lazy peson, sleeping or wasting away our hours meant for productive work. we have to see time as God's gift and seize our oppurtunities to live diligently for him."...yea i thought that was worht sharing. the reality is that i do waste my time alot...if im tired, or i just want to sleep to get away from things...yea that time should be used for God...and i havent been using it that way. Proverbs 10 was really encouraging to me..i know that i can do it...But first i need to give the effort.

home...sweet home.

2006-09-09T00:34:00.000-04:00

Well …yea today was a nice day…I had class and then I came home! I had really started to miss my dad a lot…so I’m glad I got to see him. I really got bored while I was on my way home cause I was just sitting there listening to music, looking out the window at the moon(which by the way was extremely beautiful!) and all I did was start to think about stuff that’s been going on again. Ugh it’s like I have to constantly be doing stuff to keep my mind off of things that bother me. It help to just sit there and talk to God about it though, it really helps clear my mind a little. Today I just had a weak stomach all day long. It wouldn’t go away. But yea…ill be really busy this weekend so I’m not worried about thinking about anything. Tomorrow I should be going to my sister’s soccer game…I really wanted to because it’s the only time ill get to see her play. And tomorrow is my little brother’s birthday, so I think I might take him out for dinner. That would defiantly be a lot of fun. Sunday after church I’m probably going out to lunch with my dad before I come back to school! I have to say…I defiantly miss the Virginia sky and laying out under it every night…a lot. It’s so beautiful at night…and you can see the stars so much better.

Home is good. Family is great. Im happy I get to see them and I made it safely here. Sunday I come back…but until then…home cooked meals, and my bed!

"Do not worry about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7

whoa...

2006-09-06T22:57:00.000-04:00

today...was a slow day. had my first soccer game after classes and the other team didnt all show, so we just mixed and scrimmaged, but it felt really good to play again. then tonight...was the last night of spiritual emphasis week. i cant even say how much i learned the past few days.
God... is really awesome. I dont even know what else to say. thourgh the stories that our speaker, clayton king, told us...its just amazing testimony of how God works, everyday, in ways that you would never even guess. God is just really the most phenominal thing that could ever happen to anyone...thats it. im so excited for tomorrow!!! another day, a new beginning, a whole new expierence!

colossians 3

2006-09-05T23:12:00.000-04:00

in devos tonight I read this...we actually are also using verse 12 as our theme verse for PG =)

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

this was pauls strategy for us to live for God everyday...yea its hard. compassion, humility, gentleness, and patience. as school get more involved...thses things will be harder to follow. I might get impatient with a teacher, classmate, or hall mate for something stupid. i might be so concentrated on school and what going on in my life...that i might not take the time to smile at the person walking by me on the way to class. these little things...can evolve into big things. I need to work on these things, and toward having peace in God everyday...just taking it a day at a time.

im going home this weekend. i was walking back from class today and listening to a voicemail from my dad. I really miss him alot. i never thought i would say that i missed my parents, but i really do miss my dad...im really going to miss watching football with him on sundays and monday nights =(...anyway its really late right now and i cant sleep. which isnt good cause then ill be extremely tired for classes tomorrow...oh well. I finally have my first soccer game tomorrow. I ended up on the free agents team with sarah=) hopefully we have some good people though...im a little worried cause its free agents. eh oh well ill have fun with it no matter what! i should probably get some sleep. ill read till i fall asleep...it usually works.

2006-09-04T01:07:00.000-04:00

this song is supposed to be God, talking to me, or you...the first time i heard it i cried..heh i know it sounds silly, but it really just depicts how caring our Lord is. its awesome. i wish you could listen to it as well, look it up if you can! i just really wanted to share it. thats it for now =)

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me, my love

Under my mercy, come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you, my child

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your cares down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I'll take you to my quiet waters
I'll restore you soul
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me, my love
Come away with me, my love

"My beloved" by kari jobe

God's plan...just for me.

2006-08-29T23:17:00.000-04:00

Its really neat. Sometimes im not sure what to do about things, and im not sure what i want, how i want things, or whats going to happen to me. the worse has to be when im not sure what i want. but...whether or not i do know, or if im confused, i can always rest on the fact that God knows where i will end up. how awesome is that? I dont know A LOT. but i have a God who knows everything. ive really had a feel for doing missions recently. im scared about it. ive never thought that i would ever do something like that. I mean it not like i dont doing that stuff, because the missions trips that ive been on in the past were probably my most memorable expierences. but go overseas? risk my life? be uncomfortable with the people around me, the culture, and whats happening? thats scary. but if its what God wants for me...
ive only shared this with a few people that im really close with. its something ive been praying about. and i get frustrated because i dont know what i want. but i really just want to be able to share with those who dont know God, i want them to be able to feel what its like to have a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father. Any believer would agree that its the most amazing expierence! why not share it?
so heres my thinking. im getting frustrated or confused because im not sure sometimes about what i want. so...so what? thats completely fine. im not always going to know. BUT i can use my frustration or confusion, and thank God for it. Hes making me think about things in life that are important. And through all of it im only growing closer to him.

worrying

2006-08-28T23:53:00.000-04:00

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace." Phil. 4:6-7

it would be really awesome if i never was anxious about anything... it seems like it would be impossible since I worry about school, getting a job, drama... ugh, and etc. But Pauls advice here is pretty clear.i should be turning my worries... into prayers. I sure want to worry less, so this means i need to pray more. ummm...yea. If im talking to God about everything Im going through, and i know that he knows exactly whats happening, how i feel, whether i am right or wrong in the situation, what the outcome will be...EVERYTHING! heh...its awesome, because whenever i start to worry about things i can just stop for a minute, and just talk to God about whats happening. He knows. He will always know. and even though i cant hear Him talk back to me or anything, I do feel a little more "peaceful" about things.

stars

2006-08-26T01:33:00.000-04:00

tonight...i was out on the soccer field like i usually am everynight, and i just layed down and looked up at the stars. its so neat to know that God put each and everyone of them, in the spot they are. he picked where he wanted them to go. THERE ARE SOO MANY! its amazing...and the different thing you can see in the stars, like the big dipper(which i saw the other night as well and it was by far the biggest ive ever seen it!) and the little dipper, the north star, etc. and the stars are just a tiny testimony of how awsome our God really is.

genesis 1:16b "...He also made the stars."

daniel 12:3 "those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever."

2 peter 1:19 " And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts."

God's love

2006-08-25T00:54:00.000-04:00

so...my first priority should be to love God. something sooo simple, but for some reason easy to get off track of. i get off track becaus ei become wrapped up in what is happening to me everyday. the different trials that i go through. i let those things push God away just enough so He may not be the center of my life. i could also be focusing on the things of God, like prayer or bible study, and not be focused on God Himself. My love for God is only in response in His unfailing love for me. its not something i make, or read about. its just there. If I thought that God was there, but didnt love me, he just created me and said "now go on and have fun with life"...i wouldnt pay much attention to Him. BUT He give me attention. He helps me when i need help, Hes always there to talk to, He forgives me when i do something wrong. He is the lover of my soul, and everyone elses. He pursues me everyday, and is just aching to convince me of His wonderful love. He gave His life....for me. He definatly didnt have to, he could have just said "forget it. your not worth forgiving.its way to much trouble for me to do that."...but He didnt. He chose to make the sacrifice. thats how much He loves me. so how do i repay Him? i love Him back, i do what i can to have the intimate relationship with Him that He strives for and that i long for. i need to be honest with myself, and break down sometimes. i need to push aside my pride. heh...easier said then done. Its amazing. God loves me so much, He is reaching out to me everyday...even if i do push Him away a little, Hes still right there, waiting for me to run back into His arms.

Lord i come to You,
let my heart be changed, renewed
flowing from the grace,
that i find in You.

Lord ive come to know,
the weaknesses You see in me,
will be stripped away,
by the power of Your love.

Hold me close,
let Your arm surround me.
bring me near,
draw me to Your side.
and as i wait,
ill rise up like the eagle.
and i will soar with You,
Your spirit leads me on,
by the power of Your love.

im not alright

2006-08-23T13:50:00.000-04:00

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you

i was at the sanctus real concert last night on campus for our LU block party, and they played this song. I love it, its something that i can really relate to right now in life...with drama and such--blech. it so easily describes what happens when your in a rut, or when you just say "ill be fine". well i have to let God have control of things. i have to let go of what im holding onto in my life that could just be something to stumble on. And for me that can be really hard, because i dont like to leave things unsettled. sometimes im going to have to. i have to admit that im not alright, i need to lose the pride that i have built up, and i cant just try to work through everything myself and just say ill be fine. I do need God, i cant do anything on my own.

doubting thomas

2006-08-22T15:40:00.002-04:00

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
You've always kept me safe
Oh me of little faith

oh me of little faith...yea thats me alot. its easy to question everthing, but then again wouldnt it be easier to jus let things the way they are?....heh no cause that would make me uncomfrotable. so to keep my comfartablility, i would have to stay in my own buble of friends, family, activities, etc. thats just selfish. what about all of the people out there who dont even know who God is? I know God, and i want everyone to be able to expierence the relationship with him that i have expierenced so far in my life. It hurts to think about how many friends, or aquaintances that i pretty much just let out of my life, with out really reaching out to them. ill never for get what a speaker said at a conference i was at one summer "I dont want to go to heaven and see a coworker standing before God, and looking at me with that look on his face saying 'why didnt you tell me?' "..when i heard that story, everything clicked. i dont want to be sitting around, doing nothing for God. I want to be able to share about im with others. let them know about my personal relaitonship with our Father, and what its feels like to be apart of this big loving family. like the song says, "sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, but then i beg to be spared because im a coward.." i dont want to be spared this time. ive taken the slap in the face...and i want to work toward not being a coward.

the challenge of sin

2006-08-21T19:38:00.000-04:00

as frosh seminar wraps up...i cant wait for real college to start up. i know that might sound wierd, but its true, right now i just kinda feel like im on a retreat, cause theres all these freshman activities, not that i dont like them, cause i definatly do, but i need the reality of it all.

what would we be with out sin? i know its a big question...but seriously, would we even be around? or would it just still be adam and eve? apparently life in the garden of eden was pretty much like heaven according to the bible. everything was just snazzy, but then of course Adam and Eve chose to disobey God, even though they knew what was right from wrong. After their disobedience, it was like they no longer deserved the paradise they lived in because God kicked them right out. Our God is a serious God, Hes not going to take any crap from anyone. What God says goes. and just like He says in John 14:15, "If you love me then you will obey what I command"...heh...wow. im gonna stop for a second. If i love God i will keep his commands? but thats hard. sometimes so hard that the much easier thing to do would be my way of things. BUT HOLD ON. Thats NOT what God wants. and what God says goes....remember? its hard...really hard, and anyone could vouch for that. but its worth it. its worth sacrificing things im used to, and things im comfortable with. yea its gonna be tough, and im definatly going to make mistakes... but to have that relationship with God, I think ill manage.

my help

2006-08-19T11:55:00.000-04:00

"My help comes frm the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:2

I love verses like this. the just on statement, but the have so much meaning to them. when im sad or just unhappy about something, my help comes from the Lord. when i feel alone and have no where to turn, my help comes from the Lord. basically everything that come my way in life, Hes there to help me through it. God has so much power...its just amazing. I mean its just so awesome to have a father(obviously not earthly) that knows what will happen to me tomorrow, when the flowers will bloom, how many hairs are on my head, when each leaf will fall out of what tree in the fall, how many times the waves crash onto the sand down the shore...and the list could seriously go on forvever. I love that He knows what im thinking. when i know that no one esle understands, or would even want to listen to what i have to say, i know that God knows whats going on. And if its a trial in my life, Ill just get closer to Him. I dont know what i would have done without God in the last couple years and i always question why things happen to me, but ive learned to much and grown spiritually. My help comes from the Lord.

2006-08-16T09:51:00.000-04:00

College. its scary...walking into a new place...on your own...completely nervous, and wondering why you even came. I think back to when i was sooo excited about going. When i got here...its almost like i could have just chickened out and gone home. but i ddnt. now Im here and im soo glad i am! im officially on my own now. Im really excited to see what God has instore for me this year!

"Then I acknowledge my sin to You...and You forgave the guilt of my sin." -Ps. 32:5
it says in my bible under that verse..." Wht is confession? To confess our sin is to agree with God, acknowledging that He is right to declare what we have done as sinful, and that we are wrong to desire, or do it. It means affirming our intention of abandoning that sin in order to follow God more faithfully."
so can i do it? when i do something wrong, ask forgiveness and do it again...then i wasnt sincere the first time. I can do it. I have to leave the sin behind me. I need to focus on what i can do, to be closer with God.

2006-08-11T19:18:00.000-04:00

soo...its been a short week unfortunatly. i leave tomorrow morning for school. im nervous but also extremely excited like i said before. im going to miss everyone im leaving behind soooo much=( highschool holds so many events that took place in my life. from being a freshman, not interested in God that much, to a graduating senior, who is willing to do anything for God. its amaxing to look back and see just how much ive changed in four years. and even how my whole class developed, into more mature college freshman. and theres still more to come! im so excited for the life taht God has planned out for me! it will be amazing how much i learn...sometimes im taking so much in at one time...i just have to sit back, take a deep breath, and thank God for his work in my life!

"If you truly embrace the holiness of God and ove and delight in the majesty of God, you will be unwilling and unable NOT to change."

im new here

2006-08-02T14:48:00.000-04:00

so yea im not gonna right very much in here...but this is just a blog...from a site that no one i know has. so im not really follwing people into myspace or anything...just venturing off on my own=) college starts next sunday for me...im nervous but extremely excited! but this is all i have time for right now...hopefully ill be keeping this posted once im all set at school. so im not sure if ill be writing in between now and then.